One of the most intense and formative seasons of wrestling with what I believe about suffering came when I was working as a chaplain at a hospital in West Africa. Just before that chapter began, I was back in the States for a few months and had lunch with a friend who was deconstructing their faith. Our conversation touched on some big theological questions but underneath it all, I could sense their crisis of faith was really rooted in their pain and disillusionment. The real question burning in their heart was, "Why, God? Why did You let this happen to me?"
I left that lunch unsettled. That became a turning point in my own faith, forcing me to dig deep into what I really believed about suffering, God’s sovereignty, and His goodness.
The timing of that conversation—right before the hospital opened—was, in hindsight, God’s grace. In the hospital, I was more than ever surrounded by suffering in all its raw forms. A typical mornings often included everything from a child coding, being with a family who just lost their loved one, to hearing about a female patient's domestic violence situation, to sitting with someone as they received an AIDS or terminal cancer diagnosis. It was heavy. And when I came home after those intense workdays, I was also grappling with some personally painful situations unfolding in my own life. Then several of our expat coworkers died very suddenly and unexpectedly. All of my coworkers and I grieved and grappled with these same questions of suffering, sovereignty, and God's goodness even deeper.
"Why God? We don't understand."
Those few years were incredibly hard in a lot of ways, but they were also sacred. I cried out to God often—through journaling, prayer, singing, reading Scripture. It's hard to explain and it probably sounds cliche, but in that season of pressing into Him with my honest pain and questions, I truly did experience deeper joy. And deeper trust. And deeper love for Jesus. He met me there. And held me. And He grew my faith.
That season also prepared me for the heartbreak that would follow—the loss of my brother, and then returning to the States, which was just really hard for me for lots of reasons. More wrestling and lots of honest journals full of prayers and processing and pouring honestly grieving heart out to God.
The books I've listed below have been like food for my soul from these hard seasons. They've helped me ask hard questions. They've helped me to learn what it means to lament, and given words for my prayers, and have given me hope to keep clinging to Jesus with trust and worship. They didn’t erase the mystery, but they helped me press into it with truth. They've helped to shift my perspective to seeing suffering through the hope-filled lens of the good news- creation, fall, redemption, restoration. This is not how things were meant to be. But this is not all there is and none of it will be wasted or for nothing.
There are still so many things that don’t have tidy answers. But like JJ Heller sings, “Sometimes I don’t know what You’re doing, but I know who You are.”
And like Peter in John 6, grappling with Jesus' hard sayings, “Where else would we go, Lord? You have the words of eternal life.”
My Book List Recs:
Walking with God Through Pain and Suffering by Tim Keller
A theologically rich and pastoral exploration of how the gospel makes sense of suffering, offering both intellectual insight and personal comfort for those walking through deep pain. I especially appreciate the first part of this book where he takes a deep dive into the role of suffering in different cultures and worldviews. So, so good.
The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom
This classic memoir tells the incredible story of Corrie Ten Boom’s time in a Nazi concentration camp—and how God's light pierced even the darkest places. I also love her book, Tramp for the Lord- (language changes over the years, lol). The intimacy she had with Jesus is so beautiful.
Suffering and the Heart of God by Diane Langberg
Written by a seasoned trauma counselor, this book reveals how God's heart beats with compassion for the broken, and how healing happens when we enter into others' pain with His love. So helpful for me in processing about hard things around the world. She shares with authority after years of counseling in a variety of countries and settings. I appreciated her knowledge outside of American culture.
The Wounded Heart by Dan Allender
A compassionate and groundbreaking book that speaks to survivors of sexual abuse, helping them begin the journey of healing through a redemptive lens. This book and the next one helped me process a lot of the hard stories I heard from women in West Africa.
Healing the Wounded Heart by Dan Allender
This companion to The Wounded Heart continues the healing process, offering practical tools, deeper theological reflection, and stories of transformation. This one is like a continuation of the book above, but just after a few more decade of the author's experience and developed wisdom in the world of counseling.
The Cry of the Soul by Dan Allender and Tremper Longman
This book explores how our raw emotions—especially the painful ones—can be sacred signals that draw us into deeper communion with God. This one was really helpful in giving words to my honest prayers.
Bold Love by Dan Allender and Tremper Longman
A challenging call to love in the face of betrayal, hurt, or injustice—rooted not in sentimentality but in the radical love of Christ. This one has been so helpful in processing familial and relational dysfunction.
Shattered Dreams by Larry Crabb
Crabb explores how God uses life's disappointments to awaken a deeper desire for Himself, inviting us into intimacy rather than superficial happiness. This book was really helpful in giving me practical steps to journal and talk through with God.
The Scars That Have Shaped Me by Vaneetha Risner
A deeply personal collection of reflections on suffering, loss, and chronic illness, revealing how God meets us most profoundly in our scars. Vaneetha's story is so honest and beautiful.
When God Doesn’t Fix It by Laura Story
Worship leader Laura Story shares her journey through her husband’s brain tumor and the hard realization that God’s love doesn’t always mean fixing our circumstances. She weaves into her story the background for why she wrote different songs over the years. It was so good.
Forever: Why You Can’t Live Without It by Paul David Tripp
Tripp lifts our eyes from the temporary to the eternal, showing how an eternal perspective transforms how we interpret pain, loss, and the struggles of daily life. The perspective of this book was and is so encouraging.
Evidence Not Seen by Darlene Deibler Rose
A powerful testimony of faith in the face of brutality, this memoir recounts Rose’s imprisonment in a Japanese POW camp and the sustaining presence of God through it all. The banana story alone is worth the read, but there are many incredible stories in this book that leave me in awe of how Jesus cares and loves us in our grief.
Living Sacrifice by Helen Roseveare
Missionary doctor Helen Roseveare reflects on what it means to live fully surrendered to Christ—even when it costs everything. I love Helen's honesty and heart in all of her books. She's lived through some really tough stuff, like war and rape.
Trusting God by Jerry Bridges
A steady, Scripture-rich guide to trusting God not only when life is easy but especially when it's hard—and when His ways are mysterious. This one I actually haven't finished yet but I'm reading through it now with a group of other moms who also have kids with special needs and it's just been SO good.
Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy by Mark Vroegop
This book revives the lost language of lament, teaching us to grieve honestly before God while still clinging to hope. It's given me some practical help in journaling and pouring my heart out to God.
Gentle and Lowly by Dane Ortlund
A beautiful meditation on the tender heart of Christ for sinners and sufferers—based on Jesus’ own self-description of being “gentle and lowly in heart.” This book has some profound insights that have left me in awe of Jesus's love for me and His invitation to friendship.
Surprised by the Healer by Linda Dillow and Dr. Juli Slattery
Through real women's stories, this book unpacks how Jesus brings healing to the deep wounds of sexual brokenness and past trauma. This is another book that really helped me in processing some of the hard, hard stories I heard from women when I lived in West Africa. The way these women found healing left me in awe of Jesus' intimate love.
Suffering Is Never for Nothing by Elisabeth Elliot
Drawing from her own profound losses, Elliot shares timeless wisdom on how God uses suffering to shape us, and how His presence sustains us in the darkest seasons.
God’s Grace in Your Suffering by David Powlison
Powlison gently walks readers through how God’s grace is not just sufficient, but deeply personal and sustaining in the very midst of suffering.
The Pastor’s Wife by Sabina Wurmbrand
A gripping memoir of a woman who endured persecution, imprisonment, and suffering with unwavering faith—testifying to the power of forgiveness and hope. This story was profound and has stuck with me over the years.
Trust by Lydia Brownback
This short but rich book invites readers to lean into God’s goodness and sovereignty, especially when life feels uncertain, unfair, or painful. It was helpful to me in different season with giving me words to pray and journal.
Making Sense of Suffering by Joni Eareckson Tada
Paralyzed at a young age, Joni wrestles with hard questions of pain and purpose—and offers hard-won wisdom on how Christ meets us in our deepest struggles. This book is full of such rich wisdom.
Daring to Hope by Katie Davis Majors
Katie shares how she encountered God not just in joy and the high points of her years in Uganda, but in disappointment, grief, and unfulfilled longings. I resonated with this book deeply as I was processing some of my own time overseas.
Every Bitter Thing Is Sweet by Sara Hagerty
Through infertility, adoption, and unmet desires, Sara discovers how God writes beauty into the bitter and awakens hunger for intimacy with Him. I have read this book multiple times and the stories in it always make me cry and leave me in awe of how caring Jesus is for every detail of our lives and how he shepherds us. It's just really good and you should read it.
The Problem of Pain by C.S. Lewis
A philosophical and theological classic that tackles the question of why a good and powerful God would allow suffering—and what it means for us. A deeper dive but very helpful.
Suffering doesn’t give us easy answers, but it does offer glimpses of a God who enters in. A God who sees, who weeps, who heals, and who promises that our pain is never wasted.
Photo by Jilbert Ebrahimi on Unsplash
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